Elizabeth too hot for Facebook

Ok here are some nearly N_k_d pictures from my shoot with Elizabeth

Grizzly Flats-Flat, and no Grizzly

With a Red Box rental being only a couple of bucks, sometimes you take a chance even when you know better.  Sometimes you get a pleasant surprise like Exit Humanity, other times you get Grizzly Flats.  I guess I’m a bit of a sucker for rampaging bear movies.  Maybe it was because I remember the lurid commercials for Grizzly as a child, or maybe just because I secretly always hoped Ben would one day take the head off that pompous Dan Haggerty. Well, there was no Grizzly, in Grizzly Flats,, rampaging or not, and barely a movie.

The plot, if you can all it that, is that a brilliant scientist runs off to the middle of the wilderness to build a sort of dimensional resonator.  His trial runs apparently allow shadow people to cross over into our dimension.  The shadow people harass him and his wife, as well as the local meth cooking inbreeds, and the resident trailer park hooker.  The wife finds a gourd baby, the scientist starts tweaking, the hooker gets scarred, the sheriff finally gets to see some boob, the inbreeds get killed, and the shadow men do shadow shit.  If only the movie was as short as that synopsis, I would only have wasted 2 bucks not an hour and a half.

So where to begin? This is really bad even for a low budget.  First the scientist Sylvane, or something it sounded a lot like So Vain (I’d accuse the director of being clever, but the movie itself makes that unlikely), a brilliant physicist who leaves a university to go to the wilderness to work on his invention.  His invention, a dimensional resonator which apparently is constructed from metal plates, copper tubing and a few circuit boards, looked a lot like Robbie the Robot if he were converted into a moonshine still.

Well So Vain likes to yell, like almost every line in the film.   If he isn’t yelling he’s talking in an “I’m better than you” sarcastic tone.  This makes it impossible to like him, care for him or take him seriously.  This is a bad thing for the main character, especially the protagonist in the film.  Maybe if he had been slightly less annoying and hysterical, he would have done a decent job, but I doubt it.  As it is I don’t know who the actor who played him is, and don’t care enough to look him up.

His wife was cute, but her acting skills were limited to, well honestly she had no skills, at least none on display.  She couldn’t have convinced me she had nice tits, if she had taken her shirt off, her acting was that bad.  The gourd baby was a better actor than his mom or dad.

The star power is provided by Judd Nelson, who plays the world’s most pathetic pornographer and red neck sheriff.  He is the most believable actor in the film, but it had to be force of habit, a very weak force at that.  He mostly just wanders around talking in a monotone, and trying to get the local hooker naked on tape.  The fact that the local law, can’t get the local prostitute naked (until she is horribly scarred, more later) points to the intelligence of this whole script.  Come on now.

The local hooker, who Nelson calls “Daddy”? Or maybe it’s Danni? Who the fuck knows, and does anyone really care for that matter.  She is played by Danielle de Luca, and Danielle is the only good thing about the film, it’s also probably her most embarrassing.  She is raped and horribly scarred by the shadow men. By horribly scarred I mean she has had a New York strip steak taped to her face.   She doesn’t really get to show off her acting skills, but she does show her breasts, much to the audience, and Judd Nelson’s relief.

The inbred rednecks are probably the most stupidly stereotypical rednecks on film since the Clampet family. They cook meth, are toothless, have speech impediments and dress like the Winter’s brothers.  Every time they opened their mouth I wanted to kill a city slicker.

As for the story, well there was no story. No coherent story anyway.  The scientist’s master plan to defeat the shadow men is to smoke meth with the rednecks and then shoot their weapons wildly and randomly into the air, as shadow men fly all around them. Not surprisingly but stupidly all the rednecks end up dead.  The scientist, his brilliant plan failing returns home and cooks his disturbed wife’s gourd baby and feed it to her.  That will snap her back to reality.  Thankfully he still had a bullet left in the gun so the movie ended shortly after that.

The direction couldn’t have been much more than “yell louder” “laugh manically” or “shoot randomly”.  I’ve seen better dialogue in a bukakke video.  For the actor playing Pastor Ron, retire immediately, go into stand up comedy, and immediately retire from that.  It’s like he was trying his best to be funny and he wasn’t.   The only time I almost laughed was in his final scene, and even that was badly botched

Really, it was that bad, worse actually, I’m just not watching it again to make the review more thorough.   There is absolutely no real reason to watch this film.  Danielle de Luca is gorgeous, but see Naked Prey if you haven’t already.  She’s totally nude and it’s a much better film.  Or see Necrosis, where she doesn’t get naked, but it’s a good little film.  Judd Nelson fans, stay the hell away, you’ll just feel sorry for him and try and send him money.  Just remember him as he was.   There is the novelty of seeing a relative of the master Edgar Allen Poe as one of the rednecks, but he has other films.

I gave this a one on IMDB, but I don’t have to be that kind on my blog.  On a scale of 1-10, I give it a -2.  If this film were lying on a beach, House of the Dead would kick sand in it’s face.

Exit Humanity (review)

Exit Humanity

Zombies are the rage right now, and as usually happen, once something gets “hot” the quality goes in the crapper.  That’s especially true with horror archetypes, and zombies are one of the worst affected.  In fact there are more bad zombie flicks, than there are mediocre to good ones.  So it was with a healthy dose of skepticism and resignation that I decided to rent Exit Humanity.

On the plus side it featured both Bill Moseley and Dee Wallace, two horror icons that never phone it in.  It was also set in the American West (actually in Tennessee, but no nit picking) shortly after the Civil War, and hell, I’m a big fan of Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare.


Please check out my new Cult Film blog

Set in 1875, Exit Humanity is the story of Edward Young played by Mark Gibson.  After encountering the undead during the final days of the Civil War, he returns home to his wife and son.  He returns from hunting one day to find his son missing and his wife one of the undead.  He kills her and goes in search of his son.  During his search he comes across Confederate General Williams played by Moseley who is looking for a cure to the outbreak, and to rebuild Tennessee to its Confederate glory. Ultimately he is forced to choose between joining Williams or making his own way in a world overrun by the dead.

It got off to a rough start.  I’m not a big fan of narration, and the early parts of the film are heavily narrated by Brian Cox. Normally I’m a fan of a film being told by the actors through their acting, not voice over or exposition. The first fifteen minutes of the film there is virtually no dialogue except the narration.

 At this point I wanted to watch the film through the protagonist’s, played by Mark Gibson, acting. I wanted to discover the film through his facial expressions and body language, not a narration that seemed to never end.  Strange thing though, when the narration ended, I missed it.  The narration is used in spots throughout the film and it’s like an old friend come back to visit. 

After getting used to the narration, I thoroughly enjoyed this film.  Mark Gibson, as Edward Young carries the film excellently.  He tells you his story, with and without narration, by the pain in his eyes, his tears and body language.  The supporting cast never gets in his way.  Bill Mosley who is usually a hyper kinetic maelstrom is probably more subdued than I have ever seen him in a role.  That doesn’t make him any less menacing or horrifying. In fact it makes him much more real, much more believably evil.  Stephen McHattie, another horror legend, gives an insane but also subdued performance.  Honestly I barely recognized Dee Wallace even though I knew she was in the cast.  The supporting cast did their job perfectly, they supported, allowing Gibson to shine and carry the film.

Exit Humanity is in fact a quiet film, as far as zombie films go.  True there is gunfire, screams and gnashing of teeth, but for the most part it is a quiet film.  A film driven by the main character on his quest, first to find his son, then to find a reason to live in a world of the dead.

His quest for his son ends in the way such a real life quest would be bound to end.  No happy ending, no miracle, and the film makers play it out early, not dragging it out, but not pulling any punches or making it easy on the viewer.  After this quest the film could have easily devolved into a kill em all, find a cure generic zombie flick, but instead the story continues to develop.  It seems like it was written almost as a series of short episodes, instead of a movie, and even has animated chapter markers. Each chapter marks the protagonist’s downfall, and resurrection, as he exits humanity to find his own humanity.

Exit Humanity uses innovative filming, shifting from live action to animation for certain scenes, and even using time lapse for at least one scene.  The animation at first seemed a bit gimmicky; you just aren’t expecting it in a serious film.  The animation is used sparingly and mostly to illustrate (if you will) parts of the story outside the normal continuity.

The time lapse scene likewise hits you with no warning but it works perfectly.  It heightens the tension of the scene and allows the film to progress without an overly long scene of the character running through the woods.  It’s just an innovative way to portray an almost cliched scene.

The Canadian scenery is beautiful and breath taking.  You can forget you are watching a horror movie, and believe you are watching a modern western.  The score compliments the film work.  Usually I barely pay attention to the score unless it sucks up the movie but the music here swept me up.  I loved it

If I could change one thing about this Exit Humanity, I would give Moseley more screen time, and possibly flesh out his character a bit more.  I saw the potential for a great film villain.  He was a villain, who as evil as he was, had a cause, a cause that, while not inherently evil, had been warped by him and his beliefs.  The final confrontation between Moseley and Gibson was beautiful, quick and final.  I just wish we had more time with Moseley’s General Williams before the showdown.

Some people might find it too slow, and not enough zombie action, but personally I will take a slower less hectic film.  A film that moves at a natural pace not the rapid cut MTV style horror movie.  How many of those style horror movies are actually good?  I have also heard people complain about the lack of zombie hoards in Exit Humanity.  When I was watching it I wondered where all the undead were coming from.  This was the 1800s in the Tennessee wilds.  It’s not the big city of Dawn of the Dead or The Walking Dead. Besides I would rather see an intelligent film than just two hours of head shots, wouldn’t you?

If you haven’t guessed by now, I really loved this film.  It was touch and go for the first maybe 10-15 minutes, but it grew on me rapidly.  If you like zombie movies, but prefer your movies to have a little soul, I think you will like Exit Humanity.  So skip all the other low budget trash, and pick up Exit Humanity, this little Canadian film is worth the price of admission.

Alisha in Black

Just a few lingerie pictures from my photoshoot with the lovely Alisha.  Enjoy, I enjoyed taking them

Zombies, cannibals, and um zombies, Oh My!

I was on the road last week when news of the "zombie attack" in Miami broke, but when I got to my hotel the news was all over Facebook.  To most of my horror friends this was proof that the zombie apocalypse was in full swing.  A few of my friends of a more political nature looked at it as another instance of police using undue force on an unarmed (and naked) person.  Honestly I think eating someones face gives the police just cause to use deadly force.

However, the Miami Zombie as most are calling the incident was big news.  Within a week pictures and video had appeared on the web.  What is even more shocking that the gory images are the other incidents that seemed to suddenly be happening.  A New Jersey man hurling pieces of his own intestines at the police.  A Maryland man who eats the heart of his roommate. **(see edit) A Texas woman who decapitates her infant and eats its brain.**  All obvious signs of the impending Romeroesque Armageddon.  Suddenly the Mayans were all getting smug looks on their face.  Not since Dick Clark's death were so many predicting the end.

What most overlooked, even many hard core horror fans, was that only the Miami incident really looked like a zombie apocalypse foreshadowing.  Now that incident looked just like a classic zombie attack.  Ignoring bullets, eating flesh, growling and being naked (corpses are stripped for the morgue) all straight out of a good old Romero flick, with effects by Savini.  However the others just looked like really fucked up cannibalistic murders.  While they could be connected to horror films, they really aren't very zombie like.

The Jersey man cutting out pieces of his own flesh and hurling it at cops could have come from the warped mind of David Cronenberg.  Well Cronenberg before he found mainstream success, and put away his flesh warping imagination. The Texas woman who ate her babies brain claims she was told to do so by the devil.  That sounds like an exorcism or possibly a cult movie, the same as the Maryland man who devoured his roommate.  Still these grisly events get grouped together, and usually labeled as proof of a zombie onslaught.

Critics will say that the sensationalism of the Miami zombie case has simply heightened our senses to these gory crime.  There is a lot of truth to that, even the police in the Miami case have said similar cases involving drug psychosis have happened in the past. Whether this is a new phenomena, or just the latest attack in a series that up until now we have over looked, I can almost guarantee that we will see more.  Hell, maybe even copycat zombie attacks.  Now that's scary.

***EDIT ( proof of the media sensationalizing the Miami attack is that the woman who ate her babies brain actually happened in 2009 and was thrown out there as new by some unscrupilious editor or writer to cash in on the cannibal attacks.  I apologize for not fully fact checking.  The article plays only a small role in this blog post so I wont delete the post or the reference but will (*) it.  Shame on internet "journalists" and I use that term lightly)

How is this going to affect the current zombie craze?  Right now that craze is riding high, being pushed in large part by the popularity of AMC's The Walking Dead.  I'm somewhat shocked that The Walking Dead isn't being blamed for the Miami zombie attack.  I could concede that a psychotic person could become convinced he was a zombie.  The press has always been way to eager to blame popular culture for homicidal acts, but so far AMC has escaped their wrath.

In fact the Miami zombie attack may actually help The Walking Dead.  After all the word zombie is on almost everyone in America's lips right now.  Now with the season three premiere still four months away there is time for the furor to die down.  That is if there are no more zombie or cannibal attacks between now and then.  That's a big "if."

Whatever happens, whether TV and movies get blamed, whether more disturbed people dine on bath salts and go loco, or even if this is the opening snack in a zombie apocalypse, I can just about bet we will be hearing more about this.  I would also bet the press is going to hype up any attack that even slightly resembles a cannibal or zombie attack.  Me? I'm gonna just sit back, stock up on bullets and water, and practice my head shots.


Now here are the very, very graphic pictures.  Be warned

Miami zombie victim

Aftermath of the Miami zombie attack

Miami zombie attack victim after the attack

Giallo, Oh Dario Where Art Thou?

Adrien Brody in Giallo

Well that’s the question fans have been asking for years about Dario Argento, where is the director who gave us Suspiria, Bird with the Crystal Plumage, and Deep Red?  Maybe that’s a bit unfair but it seems for every semi decent project, there are a couple stinkers.  His Masters of Horror efforts were decent, some of the better of the series, but far from his heyday. When word got out he was working on a project called Giallo, fans got excited.  Dario was returning to the genre where he excelled, the Giallo.  Unfortunately Argento has pretty much disowned the film, unhappy with the cut forced upon him.  Not only that, but star Adrien Brody, successfully blocked it’s release due to issues with the producers.

Now however Giallo has finally been released. And the wait, well was kind of worth it.  It isn’t a horrible film, and Argento has done worse (Mother of Tears), but it is far from his best work. It also thematically falls far from his previous work.  Gone is any suspense about who the killer is, well almost all the suspense.  Going into the film I had no idea Adrien Brody was playing a double role, and within minutes I recognized the killer was Brody.  Until the killer is finally full on display I assumed Brody’s detective was moonlighting as the villainous “Giallo”.  I can only guess that was the Argento’s attempt at suspense.

Even the name of the film seems a misdirection of sorts.  Giallo, which means yellow in Italian, typically refers to a genre of films popular in Italy in which Argento was a master.  The term typically was reserved for horror/mystery films that were bloody and erotic.  The term giallo came as many of these were based on pulp novels with their yellow background and covers.  However the name of the movie Giallo, just as much refers to the killer, who is named “Giallo” due to his yellow tinted skin.  Jaundice just doesn’t have the same ring after all.
Unlike in his better films, there is little suspense, once you realize Brody isn’t the killer.  There also isn’t that much violence or sex.  Also none of the bright trippy colors and innovative camera work from his prime.  The story is maybe a bit clearer than in his classics, I have always found Dario’s narrative a bit confusing, but watching classic Argento is like riding a Space Mountain.  You’re there for the thrill of the ride, not the backstory.  I could actually keep up with this story and that made up for the lack of style.  Well just a little.  Dario Argento has himself disavowed the movie.  Normally I would think his cut would be better, but having seen the trailer for his Dracula, I’m afraid his cut would have been worse.  In all honesty I, like a lot of his fans, have lost faith in Argento.  At least lost faith in his ability to do what he has done best.

His best work lately, Jennifer and Pelts are far from his traditional fare.  Giallo, a return to his roots, is just kind of there.  It’s not unwatchable, and Adrien Brody plays a great detective.  However his villain, Giallo is nothing special.  The bad makeup can’t hide Brody’s features, and his mumbling is more annoying than chilling.  While it’s better than 90% of the crap released, it’s not the Master of Italian Giallo.   It’s better than Mother of Tears and appears to be light years better than Dracula, but it’s not quite as good as his Master of Horror episodes.

The film also stars Emanuelle Seigner, wife of accused pedophile Roman Polanski, and Elsa Pataky. Neither one is particulary interesting. Pataky spends most of the film screaming in the finest Giallo tradition.  Seigner just seems a bit lost, there's little to no chemistry between her and Brody and her character is very thinly written.  She like Pataky is more a plot device to move the film along, than an actual character.

Final verdict, it’s an ok watch.  Adrien Brody is fun to watch, at least in one of his roles.  It’s light on sex and nudity, and light on violence.  There are a couple of intense scenes but they are few and far between.  The ending was meant to be chilling, but just comes off as unfinished.  Don’t rush to buy unless you are a hardcore fan worshiping at Dario’s feet.  Everyone else should catch it on Netflix or cable.

Zombie Girl Diary teaser trailer

Here is the new teaser trailer fo the independent horror film Zombie Girl Diary, directed by Mike Pine.  The film stars Vanessa Rae Bent, Jim Krut, Jimmyo Burrill and Eliza Jayne.  It's set to start filming soon, look for it zombie fans

You also might be interested in my interview with Mike Pine the director of Zombie Girl Diary