Elizabeth too hot for Facebook

Ok here are some nearly N_k_d pictures from my shoot with Elizabeth

Grizzly Flats-Flat, and no Grizzly

With a Red Box rental being only a couple of bucks, sometimes you take a chance even when you know better.  Sometimes you get a pleasant surprise like Exit Humanity, other times you get Grizzly Flats.  I guess I’m a bit of a sucker for rampaging bear movies.  Maybe it was because I remember the lurid commercials for Grizzly as a child, or maybe just because I secretly always hoped Ben would one day take the head off that pompous Dan Haggerty. Well, there was no Grizzly, in Grizzly Flats,, rampaging or not, and barely a movie.

The plot, if you can all it that, is that a brilliant scientist runs off to the middle of the wilderness to build a sort of dimensional resonator.  His trial runs apparently allow shadow people to cross over into our dimension.  The shadow people harass him and his wife, as well as the local meth cooking inbreeds, and the resident trailer park hooker.  The wife finds a gourd baby, the scientist starts tweaking, the hooker gets scarred, the sheriff finally gets to see some boob, the inbreeds get killed, and the shadow men do shadow shit.  If only the movie was as short as that synopsis, I would only have wasted 2 bucks not an hour and a half.

So where to begin? This is really bad even for a low budget.  First the scientist Sylvane, or something it sounded a lot like So Vain (I’d accuse the director of being clever, but the movie itself makes that unlikely), a brilliant physicist who leaves a university to go to the wilderness to work on his invention.  His invention, a dimensional resonator which apparently is constructed from metal plates, copper tubing and a few circuit boards, looked a lot like Robbie the Robot if he were converted into a moonshine still.

Well So Vain likes to yell, like almost every line in the film.   If he isn’t yelling he’s talking in an “I’m better than you” sarcastic tone.  This makes it impossible to like him, care for him or take him seriously.  This is a bad thing for the main character, especially the protagonist in the film.  Maybe if he had been slightly less annoying and hysterical, he would have done a decent job, but I doubt it.  As it is I don’t know who the actor who played him is, and don’t care enough to look him up.

His wife was cute, but her acting skills were limited to, well honestly she had no skills, at least none on display.  She couldn’t have convinced me she had nice tits, if she had taken her shirt off, her acting was that bad.  The gourd baby was a better actor than his mom or dad.

The star power is provided by Judd Nelson, who plays the world’s most pathetic pornographer and red neck sheriff.  He is the most believable actor in the film, but it had to be force of habit, a very weak force at that.  He mostly just wanders around talking in a monotone, and trying to get the local hooker naked on tape.  The fact that the local law, can’t get the local prostitute naked (until she is horribly scarred, more later) points to the intelligence of this whole script.  Come on now.

The local hooker, who Nelson calls “Daddy”? Or maybe it’s Danni? Who the fuck knows, and does anyone really care for that matter.  She is played by Danielle de Luca, and Danielle is the only good thing about the film, it’s also probably her most embarrassing.  She is raped and horribly scarred by the shadow men. By horribly scarred I mean she has had a New York strip steak taped to her face.   She doesn’t really get to show off her acting skills, but she does show her breasts, much to the audience, and Judd Nelson’s relief.

The inbred rednecks are probably the most stupidly stereotypical rednecks on film since the Clampet family. They cook meth, are toothless, have speech impediments and dress like the Winter’s brothers.  Every time they opened their mouth I wanted to kill a city slicker.

As for the story, well there was no story. No coherent story anyway.  The scientist’s master plan to defeat the shadow men is to smoke meth with the rednecks and then shoot their weapons wildly and randomly into the air, as shadow men fly all around them. Not surprisingly but stupidly all the rednecks end up dead.  The scientist, his brilliant plan failing returns home and cooks his disturbed wife’s gourd baby and feed it to her.  That will snap her back to reality.  Thankfully he still had a bullet left in the gun so the movie ended shortly after that.

The direction couldn’t have been much more than “yell louder” “laugh manically” or “shoot randomly”.  I’ve seen better dialogue in a bukakke video.  For the actor playing Pastor Ron, retire immediately, go into stand up comedy, and immediately retire from that.  It’s like he was trying his best to be funny and he wasn’t.   The only time I almost laughed was in his final scene, and even that was badly botched

Really, it was that bad, worse actually, I’m just not watching it again to make the review more thorough.   There is absolutely no real reason to watch this film.  Danielle de Luca is gorgeous, but see Naked Prey if you haven’t already.  She’s totally nude and it’s a much better film.  Or see Necrosis, where she doesn’t get naked, but it’s a good little film.  Judd Nelson fans, stay the hell away, you’ll just feel sorry for him and try and send him money.  Just remember him as he was.   There is the novelty of seeing a relative of the master Edgar Allen Poe as one of the rednecks, but he has other films.

I gave this a one on IMDB, but I don’t have to be that kind on my blog.  On a scale of 1-10, I give it a -2.  If this film were lying on a beach, House of the Dead would kick sand in it’s face.

Exit Humanity (review)

Exit Humanity

Zombies are the rage right now, and as usually happen, once something gets “hot” the quality goes in the crapper.  That’s especially true with horror archetypes, and zombies are one of the worst affected.  In fact there are more bad zombie flicks, than there are mediocre to good ones.  So it was with a healthy dose of skepticism and resignation that I decided to rent Exit Humanity.

On the plus side it featured both Bill Moseley and Dee Wallace, two horror icons that never phone it in.  It was also set in the American West (actually in Tennessee, but no nit picking) shortly after the Civil War, and hell, I’m a big fan of Red Dead Redemption Undead Nightmare.


Please check out my new Cult Film blog

Set in 1875, Exit Humanity is the story of Edward Young played by Mark Gibson.  After encountering the undead during the final days of the Civil War, he returns home to his wife and son.  He returns from hunting one day to find his son missing and his wife one of the undead.  He kills her and goes in search of his son.  During his search he comes across Confederate General Williams played by Moseley who is looking for a cure to the outbreak, and to rebuild Tennessee to its Confederate glory. Ultimately he is forced to choose between joining Williams or making his own way in a world overrun by the dead.

It got off to a rough start.  I’m not a big fan of narration, and the early parts of the film are heavily narrated by Brian Cox. Normally I’m a fan of a film being told by the actors through their acting, not voice over or exposition. The first fifteen minutes of the film there is virtually no dialogue except the narration.

 At this point I wanted to watch the film through the protagonist’s, played by Mark Gibson, acting. I wanted to discover the film through his facial expressions and body language, not a narration that seemed to never end.  Strange thing though, when the narration ended, I missed it.  The narration is used in spots throughout the film and it’s like an old friend come back to visit. 

After getting used to the narration, I thoroughly enjoyed this film.  Mark Gibson, as Edward Young carries the film excellently.  He tells you his story, with and without narration, by the pain in his eyes, his tears and body language.  The supporting cast never gets in his way.  Bill Mosley who is usually a hyper kinetic maelstrom is probably more subdued than I have ever seen him in a role.  That doesn’t make him any less menacing or horrifying. In fact it makes him much more real, much more believably evil.  Stephen McHattie, another horror legend, gives an insane but also subdued performance.  Honestly I barely recognized Dee Wallace even though I knew she was in the cast.  The supporting cast did their job perfectly, they supported, allowing Gibson to shine and carry the film.

Exit Humanity is in fact a quiet film, as far as zombie films go.  True there is gunfire, screams and gnashing of teeth, but for the most part it is a quiet film.  A film driven by the main character on his quest, first to find his son, then to find a reason to live in a world of the dead.

His quest for his son ends in the way such a real life quest would be bound to end.  No happy ending, no miracle, and the film makers play it out early, not dragging it out, but not pulling any punches or making it easy on the viewer.  After this quest the film could have easily devolved into a kill em all, find a cure generic zombie flick, but instead the story continues to develop.  It seems like it was written almost as a series of short episodes, instead of a movie, and even has animated chapter markers. Each chapter marks the protagonist’s downfall, and resurrection, as he exits humanity to find his own humanity.

Exit Humanity uses innovative filming, shifting from live action to animation for certain scenes, and even using time lapse for at least one scene.  The animation at first seemed a bit gimmicky; you just aren’t expecting it in a serious film.  The animation is used sparingly and mostly to illustrate (if you will) parts of the story outside the normal continuity.

The time lapse scene likewise hits you with no warning but it works perfectly.  It heightens the tension of the scene and allows the film to progress without an overly long scene of the character running through the woods.  It’s just an innovative way to portray an almost cliched scene.

The Canadian scenery is beautiful and breath taking.  You can forget you are watching a horror movie, and believe you are watching a modern western.  The score compliments the film work.  Usually I barely pay attention to the score unless it sucks up the movie but the music here swept me up.  I loved it

If I could change one thing about this Exit Humanity, I would give Moseley more screen time, and possibly flesh out his character a bit more.  I saw the potential for a great film villain.  He was a villain, who as evil as he was, had a cause, a cause that, while not inherently evil, had been warped by him and his beliefs.  The final confrontation between Moseley and Gibson was beautiful, quick and final.  I just wish we had more time with Moseley’s General Williams before the showdown.

Some people might find it too slow, and not enough zombie action, but personally I will take a slower less hectic film.  A film that moves at a natural pace not the rapid cut MTV style horror movie.  How many of those style horror movies are actually good?  I have also heard people complain about the lack of zombie hoards in Exit Humanity.  When I was watching it I wondered where all the undead were coming from.  This was the 1800s in the Tennessee wilds.  It’s not the big city of Dawn of the Dead or The Walking Dead. Besides I would rather see an intelligent film than just two hours of head shots, wouldn’t you?

If you haven’t guessed by now, I really loved this film.  It was touch and go for the first maybe 10-15 minutes, but it grew on me rapidly.  If you like zombie movies, but prefer your movies to have a little soul, I think you will like Exit Humanity.  So skip all the other low budget trash, and pick up Exit Humanity, this little Canadian film is worth the price of admission.

Alisha in Black

Just a few lingerie pictures from my photoshoot with the lovely Alisha.  Enjoy, I enjoyed taking them

Zombies, cannibals, and um zombies, Oh My!

I was on the road last week when news of the "zombie attack" in Miami broke, but when I got to my hotel the news was all over Facebook.  To most of my horror friends this was proof that the zombie apocalypse was in full swing.  A few of my friends of a more political nature looked at it as another instance of police using undue force on an unarmed (and naked) person.  Honestly I think eating someones face gives the police just cause to use deadly force.

However, the Miami Zombie as most are calling the incident was big news.  Within a week pictures and video had appeared on the web.  What is even more shocking that the gory images are the other incidents that seemed to suddenly be happening.  A New Jersey man hurling pieces of his own intestines at the police.  A Maryland man who eats the heart of his roommate. **(see edit) A Texas woman who decapitates her infant and eats its brain.**  All obvious signs of the impending Romeroesque Armageddon.  Suddenly the Mayans were all getting smug looks on their face.  Not since Dick Clark's death were so many predicting the end.

What most overlooked, even many hard core horror fans, was that only the Miami incident really looked like a zombie apocalypse foreshadowing.  Now that incident looked just like a classic zombie attack.  Ignoring bullets, eating flesh, growling and being naked (corpses are stripped for the morgue) all straight out of a good old Romero flick, with effects by Savini.  However the others just looked like really fucked up cannibalistic murders.  While they could be connected to horror films, they really aren't very zombie like.

The Jersey man cutting out pieces of his own flesh and hurling it at cops could have come from the warped mind of David Cronenberg.  Well Cronenberg before he found mainstream success, and put away his flesh warping imagination. The Texas woman who ate her babies brain claims she was told to do so by the devil.  That sounds like an exorcism or possibly a cult movie, the same as the Maryland man who devoured his roommate.  Still these grisly events get grouped together, and usually labeled as proof of a zombie onslaught.

Critics will say that the sensationalism of the Miami zombie case has simply heightened our senses to these gory crime.  There is a lot of truth to that, even the police in the Miami case have said similar cases involving drug psychosis have happened in the past. Whether this is a new phenomena, or just the latest attack in a series that up until now we have over looked, I can almost guarantee that we will see more.  Hell, maybe even copycat zombie attacks.  Now that's scary.

***EDIT ( proof of the media sensationalizing the Miami attack is that the woman who ate her babies brain actually happened in 2009 and was thrown out there as new by some unscrupilious editor or writer to cash in on the cannibal attacks.  I apologize for not fully fact checking.  The article plays only a small role in this blog post so I wont delete the post or the reference but will (*) it.  Shame on internet "journalists" and I use that term lightly)

How is this going to affect the current zombie craze?  Right now that craze is riding high, being pushed in large part by the popularity of AMC's The Walking Dead.  I'm somewhat shocked that The Walking Dead isn't being blamed for the Miami zombie attack.  I could concede that a psychotic person could become convinced he was a zombie.  The press has always been way to eager to blame popular culture for homicidal acts, but so far AMC has escaped their wrath.

In fact the Miami zombie attack may actually help The Walking Dead.  After all the word zombie is on almost everyone in America's lips right now.  Now with the season three premiere still four months away there is time for the furor to die down.  That is if there are no more zombie or cannibal attacks between now and then.  That's a big "if."

Whatever happens, whether TV and movies get blamed, whether more disturbed people dine on bath salts and go loco, or even if this is the opening snack in a zombie apocalypse, I can just about bet we will be hearing more about this.  I would also bet the press is going to hype up any attack that even slightly resembles a cannibal or zombie attack.  Me? I'm gonna just sit back, stock up on bullets and water, and practice my head shots.


Now here are the very, very graphic pictures.  Be warned

Miami zombie victim

Aftermath of the Miami zombie attack

Miami zombie attack victim after the attack

Giallo, Oh Dario Where Art Thou?

Adrien Brody in Giallo

Well that’s the question fans have been asking for years about Dario Argento, where is the director who gave us Suspiria, Bird with the Crystal Plumage, and Deep Red?  Maybe that’s a bit unfair but it seems for every semi decent project, there are a couple stinkers.  His Masters of Horror efforts were decent, some of the better of the series, but far from his heyday. When word got out he was working on a project called Giallo, fans got excited.  Dario was returning to the genre where he excelled, the Giallo.  Unfortunately Argento has pretty much disowned the film, unhappy with the cut forced upon him.  Not only that, but star Adrien Brody, successfully blocked it’s release due to issues with the producers.

Now however Giallo has finally been released. And the wait, well was kind of worth it.  It isn’t a horrible film, and Argento has done worse (Mother of Tears), but it is far from his best work. It also thematically falls far from his previous work.  Gone is any suspense about who the killer is, well almost all the suspense.  Going into the film I had no idea Adrien Brody was playing a double role, and within minutes I recognized the killer was Brody.  Until the killer is finally full on display I assumed Brody’s detective was moonlighting as the villainous “Giallo”.  I can only guess that was the Argento’s attempt at suspense.

Even the name of the film seems a misdirection of sorts.  Giallo, which means yellow in Italian, typically refers to a genre of films popular in Italy in which Argento was a master.  The term typically was reserved for horror/mystery films that were bloody and erotic.  The term giallo came as many of these were based on pulp novels with their yellow background and covers.  However the name of the movie Giallo, just as much refers to the killer, who is named “Giallo” due to his yellow tinted skin.  Jaundice just doesn’t have the same ring after all.
Unlike in his better films, there is little suspense, once you realize Brody isn’t the killer.  There also isn’t that much violence or sex.  Also none of the bright trippy colors and innovative camera work from his prime.  The story is maybe a bit clearer than in his classics, I have always found Dario’s narrative a bit confusing, but watching classic Argento is like riding a Space Mountain.  You’re there for the thrill of the ride, not the backstory.  I could actually keep up with this story and that made up for the lack of style.  Well just a little.  Dario Argento has himself disavowed the movie.  Normally I would think his cut would be better, but having seen the trailer for his Dracula, I’m afraid his cut would have been worse.  In all honesty I, like a lot of his fans, have lost faith in Argento.  At least lost faith in his ability to do what he has done best.

His best work lately, Jennifer and Pelts are far from his traditional fare.  Giallo, a return to his roots, is just kind of there.  It’s not unwatchable, and Adrien Brody plays a great detective.  However his villain, Giallo is nothing special.  The bad makeup can’t hide Brody’s features, and his mumbling is more annoying than chilling.  While it’s better than 90% of the crap released, it’s not the Master of Italian Giallo.   It’s better than Mother of Tears and appears to be light years better than Dracula, but it’s not quite as good as his Master of Horror episodes.

The film also stars Emanuelle Seigner, wife of accused pedophile Roman Polanski, and Elsa Pataky. Neither one is particulary interesting. Pataky spends most of the film screaming in the finest Giallo tradition.  Seigner just seems a bit lost, there's little to no chemistry between her and Brody and her character is very thinly written.  She like Pataky is more a plot device to move the film along, than an actual character.

Final verdict, it’s an ok watch.  Adrien Brody is fun to watch, at least in one of his roles.  It’s light on sex and nudity, and light on violence.  There are a couple of intense scenes but they are few and far between.  The ending was meant to be chilling, but just comes off as unfinished.  Don’t rush to buy unless you are a hardcore fan worshiping at Dario’s feet.  Everyone else should catch it on Netflix or cable.

Zombie Girl Diary teaser trailer

Here is the new teaser trailer fo the independent horror film Zombie Girl Diary, directed by Mike Pine.  The film stars Vanessa Rae Bent, Jim Krut, Jimmyo Burrill and Eliza Jayne.  It's set to start filming soon, look for it zombie fans

You also might be interested in my interview with Mike Pine the director of Zombie Girl Diary

The Horror of Porn

Sasha Grey has my heart in her hands in Smash Cut

So I recently wrote two reviews of horror films starring porn actresses, Smash Cut with Sasha Grey and Bloodlust Zombies with Alexis Texas.  Porn stars seem to gravitate to horror movies when they move into the mainstream, and it seems to be happening more and more frequently.  However it’s not a exclusively new situation, as adult actresses have been venturing into horror since the 70s at least.  Still it seems to be happening with more frequency so I thought a list of those porn actresses (and actors) who have made a leap, although sometimes temporary leap, into horror was in order.

Marilyn Chambers

The late adult actress Marilyn Chambers was one of the first porn stars to appear in a horror film in 1977’s Rabid.  Rabid was directed by the master of body horror Davis Cronenberg.  Chambers plays a woman who is seriously injured in a motorcycle accident and undergoes a radical new treatment to save her life.  After the treatment she grows an orifice under her armpit that hides a bloodsucking stinger.  Those she bites become rabid zombies that further spread the infection.

Cannibal Holocaust

Robert Kerman

The next porn star foray into horror was in 1980 in Cannibal Holocaust.  Cannibal Holocaust is one of the most notorious and controversial films of all time. Most horror fans know the story, the torture and killing of animals onscreen and the face that Italian director Ruggero Deodato was arrested for allegedly murdering his actors on film.  What not a lot of fans know is that Robert Kerman, one of the film’s stars had also appeared in over 100 adult films, including Debbie Does Dallas.  Cannibal Holocaust has become a cult classic, and one of the few horror films to feature a known male porn star.

The most successful porn actor to make the jump is easily Traci Lords.  While more a sci fi than horror film her role in 1988’s remake of Not of This World launched her mainstream career, which included several horror and sci fi appearances.  These included TV appearances in Tales from the Crypt and Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers.  While Traci has found success in mainstream film, she will be always be remembered for the fact that she was underage during most of her porn career, and only one of her adult films is legal to own in the United States.

Traci Lords in a bikini

Jeff Stryker

In 1989 Italian horror is again the vehicle for an American porn star, and once again it is a male actor.  Porn star Jeff Stryker starred in the Italian zombie film After Death, alternatively titled Zombie 4, or Zombie Flesh eaters.  Whatever it’s called, it’s pretty much a stinker, but it did well financially, perhaps much of that due to Stryker’s casting.

Also in 1989 was the release of Things with a small role for porn star Amber Lynn.  Honestly I haven’t seen things, but it’s on my list.  It’s regarded as a “so bad it’s good movie” and supposedly revolves around a woman given birth to a brood of ant like creatures.

Things the movie

Veronica Hart in Bloodsucking Pharohs in Pittsburg

In 1991 porn star Veronica Hart starred in Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh, which has to be one of the greatest movie titles in horror history.  It’s another I haven’t personally seen yet, but it has to be a “so bad it’s good” film, after all a credited director is the great Alan Smithee, nom de plume of every director too embarrassed to out his name on his work.  With that title you really don’t need too much of a synopsis, it’s pretty self-explanatory and, the title alone, and possibly Veronica Hart should convince you whether you want to see the film or not.

Evil Breed poster with Jenna Jameson

Chasey Lain from Evil Breed

Now we fast forward just over ten years to 2003 and Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain.   The cover art and top billing for this gory horror film features Jenna Jameson, one of the hottest porn stars in recent years.  Unfortunately that doesn’t mean she has much onscreen time.  She does get naked, very naked in the unrated version, and her death scene does have one of the funnier moments of the film.  Still I had hopes that Jenna would be a major player in the film and bring her sizzle into horror films full force.  For the porn fan this film probably has the greatest collection of porn starlets outside of the AVNs.  In the movie alongside Jenna Jameson are Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, and Taylor Hayes.  Evil Breed also stars Richard Greico, whose acting would make a porn star groan (and not in a good way.)  There’s little good about this film beyond the boobs, and you can see those on the internet for free, even the film’s director has denounced it.  It’s worse crime is promising much more of Jenna than it delivers.

Ginger Lynn Allen

2005 was a good year, especially if you like the porn horror combo, and aren’t horribly concerned about the quality of the film, or looks of the porn stars. Not only did Ginger Lynn return for a small part in The Devil’s Rejects, looking beautiful I might add, but another male porn star debuted in horror.  This time it is none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy playing the title character in Andre the Butcher. Ron plays an insane killer back from the dead to recruit nubile over sexed teens into Satan’s army by killing them.  It’s actually a fairly fun movie, played mostly straight but with a bit if silliness and jokes at Ron’s expense.  Andre the Butcher was the first American horror film to feature a male adult film actor.  Ron Jeremy would return to horror in 2008 with the film One Eyed Monster, in which is penis is possessed by an evil alien force.  Seriously

Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund in Zombie Strippers

In 2008 we get what we were promised in 2003 with Evil Breed, a horror movie featuring Jenna Jameson as a major character in Zombie Strippers.  Jenna stars alongside horror icon Robert Englund as the most popular dancer at a strip club infested with the living dead.  It’s more comedy than horror, but the zombie element does qualify it for this category.  Zombie Strippers pretty much delivers on all of it’s promises, nudity, gore and more nudity.  There isn’t a lot of acting but really a movie like this doesn’t require acting, just a willingness to get naked and covered in gore. Englund hams it up because he knows he has it good.  Hey who wouldn’t want to be in this movie other than the nut jobs at the Westboro “church?”

Glamorous Sasha Grey

The next year director Lee Demarble brought us Smash Cut with porn phenom Sasha Grey and cult icon David Hess.  The movie is bad, in a gloriously good way, although a lot of people won’t get that it’s bad on purpose.  The film is homage to cult films especially those of H.G. Lewis.  Sadly it was Davis Hess’s last finished project and the horror community will miss him dearly, a lot of critics have hammered Sasha’s acting, but horrible acting is what was called for.  If you don’t believe me check out some of those wonderful HGL movies like Blood Feast, or the film this closely resembles Gore, Gore, Girls.  If you don’t think she can act better than she did in Smash Cut, just check out one of her pornos, or Entourage. Pervs be warned Sasha doesn’t get naked in Smash Cut.

Piranha 3-D poster

In 2010 Alexander Aja remade the cult classic Piranha, with Piranha 3-D.  The movie was a big budget summer fun fest and full of naked and semi naked women.  While the major roles didn’t feature any porn stars, the movie would not have been the same without one.  Adult actress Riley Steele had a small, but very memorable role as one of the spring break “Girls Gone Wild” knock offs.  Her underwater naked make out with British actress Kelly Brook got the audience just as wet as the Piranha.

Sexy Riley Steele of Piranha

Alexis Texas from Bloodlust Zombies

The latest, at least at the time of my writing, is 2011’s Bloodlust Zombies with Alexis Texas. The biggest problem I had with Bloodlust Zombies was it couldn’t make up its mind whether it was going to be a serious film or a comedy.  My favorite part was Alexis Texas’s tits. We do get to see them a couple times.  There were some truly funny moments in Bloodlust Zombies and the film would have been better to play to these.  The serious moments, even when well-acted just didn’t work

So that’s it, probably not a wholly compete list but I think we covered most of the horror films with major contributions from adult entertainers.  There are many more I am sure with bit pieces, and porn stars used as dancers, extras etc, but all of the above at least had credited speaking roles.  Until next time, spank you very much for reading.

One Eyed Monster with Ron Jeremy

Bloodlust Zombies-Alexis Texas gives head(shots)

Alexis Texas in Bloodlust Zombies

Bloodlust Zombies is another of those horror films that feature a porn star in the vein of Smash Cut and Evil Breed.  Bloodlust Zombies features porn star Alexis Texas as the zombie killing personal assistant Andrea.  Unlike Sasha Grey in Smash Cut and to some degree Jenna Jameson in Evil Breed, Alexis has not retired from porn.  Bloodlust Zombies thus seems to be more of a side project than a launching pad to a new career.

The story basically revolves around an outbreak at a biological weapons lab. An escaped cat that has been infected with a “rage” type virus infects the workers and the building goes on lockdown.  The trapped employees including porn star Alexis Texas must fight the zombies, and each other to survive and escape

Bloodlust Zombies has the lowest budget of the three, or at least that’s the way it looks.  However for a movie it is a very clean film.  No graininess, blur, shoddy sound or obvious fake props.  The people in charge of making this film look good did a good job.  Special effects are mostly of the practical variety.  CGI, if used was few and far between, so much that a day after watching it, I can’t recall any obvious computer effects.  The practical effects aren’t that awesome, but the effects crew seems to realize their limitations and we don’t have any attempts at those spectacular effects that either look good or like shit.  No rotting corpses, decapitations, but mostly just small wounds and blood covered victims and “zombies.”

There aren’t any Oscar worthy acting performances but most of the cast do a decent enough job  Of the cast of course Alexis Texas will receive the most attention.  She’s mostly in the film for eye candy, which she is effective as.  Her acting is kind of scatter shot.  At times she seems to really have some acting potential beyond the adult world, at others you really hope someone is directing her to overact.

Bare bottom Alexis Texas

Alexis Texas adds her assets to Bloodlust Zombies

That’s probably the biggest problem with Bloodlust Zombies, inconsistency.  It doesn’t seem to know if it wants to make fun of itself or be a serious film.  There are some great funny scenes, and then there are some absolutely horrible preachy scenes.  For the most part it seems to be not taking it self seriously, to know it’s just a cheap vehicle for Alexis Texas, a dollar rental if you will.  That’s usually a good thing, but honestly it’s getting a bit overplayed, especially when so many low budget film makers are managing to pull off a serious film of decent quality.

Sexy Alexis Texas of Bloodlust Zombies

 Fans are beginning to expect more, regardless of the budget.  Even tongue in cheek, we are expecting quality.  Compare this to Smash Cut, which purposely made a bad film as homage to H.G. Lewis.  There’s no homage here, just a cheap film with a few laughs and some nudity.

Alexis Texas Busts out in Bloodlust Zombies

So Bloodlust Zombies isn’t a movie to avoid, but it’s not a movie to rush out and grab either.  Zombie completest and fans of Alexis Texas might  find it a must have, but these are closer to the Resident Evil infected than Romero and you can see much more of Alexis on a Google search than in the film.  Still she has a couple of very nice topless scenes, and if you want to check her out without going to the bad side of the internet this is a good chance.  Everyone else put it in your Netflix queue for a slow night.

Sexy Santa Alexis Texas rewards those who read to the end

A Small Taste of Vinegar

A Small Taste of Vinegar

It’s better to spit it out

So I have a blog.  Did you know that? If you are reading this you probably do.  That beats most of my friends.  OK maybe that’s not fair, they know, but caring that’s another matter.  I have over 500 Facebook friends.  That’s probably about average now.  I actually know a lot of them, but not all.  Several people I know have deleted me for various reasons.  I’m sure a lot don’t like my politics, my religious beliefs, the fact I curse occasionally or maybe because I don’t accept their game invites.  It’s cool, if the best thing you can do with a powerful medium like Facebook is play Mafia Wars or post bible quotes we have little in common.

The thing is I do try and support my friends.  I oooohhh and ahhhh over their baby pictures, I used to accept their gamer invites till I got overwhelmed and realized how annoying those invites can be, but most of all I share their projects.  I’ll be honest, I don’t watch every video, read every online article, but I do try and share at least a couple of things from all my friends unless I am opposed to what they are sharing.

 Now if I actually like the article, I may share it often, read it and comment.  However even if I don’t I try and share it.  The closer the friend, the more I share.  More and more I have noticed that is a one way street though.  I share other people’s projects probably at a ratio of 50:1 or worse.  Contests, film projects, photos, blogs, articles, whatever I try to share because I have always thought you support your friends.   Even if they are a shitty writer you support them. Shocking then that out of 500 friends, probably 5 have ever shared my blog, or my photography page, and honestly one or two have ever shared a standalone article I have written.  I know hitting that share button takes a lot of fucking time.

Now while the most part, I write for my own enjoyment, it’s always nice when what you write is read.  The written word was meant to be read after all.  My most popular blog post has been read by over 30000 people and has not been shared once by any of my friends.  Not once.  Kind of makes me feel all warm inside.  At least I know I’m not being vain when I said I accomplished that without help.

So sit back and mutter about how ungrateful I am, about how much you love and support me.  Sit back while I share your page day, after day.  While I send traffic to your pages, like your contest pics, give you back links, and fetch your slippers.  Tell me why I shouldn’t be bitter? Tell me why I should ever click on one of your links or share anything of yours?  Maybe I just don’t spam enough, or I’m not good enough to warrant your attention.  Forgive me, but it’s just a little taste of vinegar

Smash Cut: Farewell to David Hess, Hello Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey in Smash Cut

Smash Cut

Smash Cut is former porn star Sasha Grey’s first venture into the world of horror film.  In fact that’s one of the reasons I avoided it when it first came out.  Other than Traci Lord few porn stars have really made the leap from adult to mainstream entertainment.  Ginger Lynn Allen has had some success but mostly in small roles, but Jenna Jameson’s jump into horror in the horrible Evil Breed (which also featured Ginger Lynn) was what stuck in my mind whenever I saw Smash Cut on the video shelves.

However I kept hearing good things about Smash Cut.  Sasha’s other endeavors, such as her role on entourage, and her volunteering to read to school children, and resulting controversy, made me see her in a better light as well.  Thus I went in search of Smash Cut.  Unfortunately it was gone from the video shelves.  I finally knuckled under and order a copy on Blue Ray.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.

Sexy Sasha Grey

Smash Cut also stars the late David Hess, which any cult horror fan worth his salt will immediately recognize as the evil Krug from Last House on the Left.  I am really sad I never got to meet David before he passed. Smash Cut was the perfect film for him, because he harkened back to a style of filmmaking that’s no longer around.  In fact it’s nothing less than homage to the glory days of Hershel Gordon Lewis.  While there is a huge stylistic difference between Craven who directed Hess in Last House and Lewis, both films were grindhouse splatter favorites.  A lot of the criticism of Smash Cut comes from those who have no clue about HG Lewis, and have never seen one of his films.

The acting in Smash Cut is almost universally bad, so bad in fact that it has to be bad on purpose.  The characters are almost carbon copy of Lewis and the dialogue made me think I was watching “Gore Gore Girls again.”  The same with the effects, they are totally unbelievable, and have been shocked to see people attacking the special effects and then bringing up Lewis as an example of better filmmaking. Drop your nostalgia and watch one of HG Lewis films again and tell me how great the effects and acting are.  Not to say that Lee Demarbre is as good (or as bad) as Lewis but he effectively channels and pays respect to him.

Jesse Buck could be a dead ringer in attitude and personality from the intrepid investigator Abraham () from Gore Gore Girls.  He gives off that same vibe, and you are never really sure whose side he is on.  His acting is probably closer to good acting than anyone else in the film, but it’s still bad as it should be.

Sexy nurse Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey’s acting was laughably horrible.  So horrible that her acting was wonderful, the blank stares, the painful pauses, the ridiculous lines she delivers so flat and deadpan.  Ever her slightly off cue screams were all marvelous.  Now I have seen Sasha act, both in Entourage, and in porn and I know she can act better than in Smash Cut.  It was either a brave move or a brilliant move making this near spoof her first mainstream film.  Brave in that many will assume this was her doing her best, or brilliant in that she can deflect any criticism to “acting bad on purpose.”  Personally I think it takes talent to act that bad and Sasha has talent.

Despite all the attention to Sasha Grey, you can’t talk about Smash Cut without mentioning David Hess.  Real horror fans were dealt a harsh blow when David passed, all too soon last year.  He began, and made his career with a cult film, so it’s fitting that one of his last films is homage to cult films.  Like the rest of the cast David’s performance will be criticized by those who don’t “get” Smash Cut and that’s very sad.  David delivered the performance the film needed.  Watching him in Smash Cut is pure joy, only tempered by the fact that he is now gone.  He will be missed by those who knew him and respected his work.

Cult legend David Hess

Visually Smash Cut is a 70s film but with better technical quality.  The colors are all intense and garish , with no muted tones.  Everything is out there, watching Smash Cut is like walking into a strip joint on retro night. Either that or imagine a bomb going off in a day glow paints factory.

I read an online review where someone decried the music of Smash Cut as 70s porno music.  The reviewer is right, but really what other music would fit. Watching and listening to this film was like being back in my giddy high school years and sneaking a forbidden VHS into the recorder while my parents were asleep.

The only thing missing was nudity, but I’m not going to tweak it for that.  The film is actually better without nudity (bet you NEVER thought you’d see me type that didya?) Anyone who has never saw Sasha Grey naked probably doesn’t want to, and if they do all it takes is a Google of her name with “safe search” off. 

Keeping her clothes on was probably a calculated, wise move to distance her a bit more from her porn past.  It also harkens to those older films where there was more tease than tit.  Sure HGL loved to show some nudity, but for the most parts those films promised way more than they actually show.  C’mon who didn’t expect to see Sasha at least topless?  I did till I was roughly half way through.  What got me was that seeing the lovely Ms. Grey in a white sweater, sans bra, was so titillating despite all of her I have seen in the past.  And yes, I have seen all of her.

The effects while gory are so unbelievable that only the faintest of heart will be disturbed.  More than likely you will find yourself laughing at the death scenes unless you really do some suspension of disbelief.  Like the rest of the movie you will either get it and enjoy it or hate it, and probably turn it off.

So final verdict? If you are a fan of Sasha Grey, and I mean real fan not just a fan of her sex games, you should enjoy it.  If you are a real fan just get past the bad acting and lack of nudity and support Sasha.  Fans of David Hess should likewise enjoy Smash Cut. His fans will also be more likely to “get” the film.  Fans of HG Lewis and the gory cult days should also enjoy.  Some may balk at the shoddy effects and weak plot, but most will get that it’s part of the charm of this film. All this and you get Michael Berryman in a jewfro wig to boot!

People looking for a film that makes sense and has great acting should avoid it.  Most of them simply won’t get the charm of Smash Cut.  Sasha Grey’s fans from her porn days will probably be disappointed, some even angry.  Tough shit, get over it, people move on in their careers and lives, let’s give Sasha a chance to shine in real films.  So if you can deal with a film that has bad acting, horrible plot, bad effects and 70s porn music then pop in Smash Cut.  If you are looking for the next Silence of the Lambs, keep looking, nothing to see here.  All this and you get Michael Berryman in a Jewfro wig to boot!

PS I loved it and for those who read to the end

Sexy hot Sasha Grey