|Two Heads? Genius|
So in a fit of cinematic boredom I found this little gem on Netflix. Now I use the word gem very lightly in the case of Two Headed Shark Attack. In fact it’s more of a nugget, like a nugget of corn in a well formed bowel movement. OK maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it sounded funny. Certainly in the new subgenre of shark/mutated fish movies cranked out by the genius machine at the SeeFee channel it’s not the very worse. It’s not the best either, and really considered the genre is pretty shallow that is saying a lot.Honestly, there’s not a lot in Two Headed Shark Attack worth recommending in this film. When the most skilled actor in the cast is most famous for being the real life brother of the fat kid from Stand By Me, well it says a lot. The most star power is wielded by the still beautiful Carmen Electra.
Carmen is still extremely hot, but she’s not the same Carmen she was five years ago. Not only that but she appears to slowly be turning orange. She’s still hot though and was cast against type as the doctor, a doctor who lies around in a bikini inexplicably writhing sensually when no one else is around. Still I have never complained about a sexy bikini clad girl writhing for no reason, even if the bikini girl is the color of a tangerine, and she has a bit of a belly pooch. Carmen’s dialogue and her delivery of it is nothing short of ridiculous. I know she can act better, I have seen it. Maybe the director told her to deliver her lines flat and emotionless.
While neither of these actors is in danger of winning a lifetime achievement award for acting anytime soon, both have, and can, do better. I can only assume that a paycheck and the promise of a fun campy film drew them in. So what else to hate Two Headed Shark Attack, yes there is more.The shark itself was pretty laughable. While in long shots the CGI held up ok, especially for a movie of this type. Up close the model looked as fake as fake can be. I don’t know if it was Styrofoam, plastic, or fiberglass but it definitely wasn’t flesh. Why two heads in the first place? I can only assume total lack of ideas and the directive “find something new” from their SyFy overlords?
“Let’s make a shark movie.”
“Boss said they already done too many shark movies.”
“Let’s give the shark two heads.”
|Bruce he aint, 2 heads or not|
Did I mention the shark looked stupid up close? Well that’s nothing compared to the scenes of it feeding. At one point the shark grabs a woman’s leg, bites it swings her around and lets her go. Not only was the letting go stupid and not like a shark, there was no blood. Eventually both heads grab her and rip her apart but by then I was already shaking my fist in righteous anger. Now to the actual kill scenes, since when did sharks start chewing and munching? Sharks tear, rip, and swallow like a rough date not chew like redneck on a corn cob. Seriously watching the close-ups of the shark smacking its mouth it reminded me of the old game Hungry, Hungry Hippos. All I could think of was “quick, throw a marble and swim for your life!” Bruce would hang his head in shame if he ever watched this two headed “shark” in action.
|Put two girls together like these two in Two Headed Shark Attack and they will make out|
So why did I set through this? Was it for the prospect of writing a shitty review of Two Headed Shark Attack? Maybe a little bit, but there were a few high (relatively speaking) points. There was the skinny dipping. Which I dunno, I thought skinny sipping required nudity. True the girls do get topless, which was nice, even though both girls were woefully underfed. Don’t get me wrong they were cute and all but not cute enough to drive me to IMDB to find out who they were. However for two girls to get topless while a goofily looking male just stands there in his swim trunks and grins is really hard to buy. Of course, two topless girls, two headed shark. Guess what’s about to happen? Yep. This was probably the selling point of the whole film.There were lots more bad stuff I could mention about the film, but really, it’s not worth going into it.
So on to the good things about the film. All in all Two Headed Shark Attack had two things going for it, Brooke Hogan’s tits. Say what you want about her face, I think she’s cute and not really that manly looking. Plus her boobs, while not as big as her father’s tits are much nicer to look at and less hairy. The saddest part of the movie was that she kept her top on the whole film. I pretty much expected it but a guy can hope right? Honestly the film would have had three things going for it, if she had worn a sexier bottom. Seriously cut offs and boy shorts? Why not a thong or at least a French cut bottom to give us a little extra eye candy Brooke? A little cheek would have definitely improved this movie.
|Brooke Hogan two reasons to watch 2 Headed Shark Attack|
I do have to give Brooke Hogan props though, and not just for her boobs. Her acting was probably the most believable in Two Headed Shark Attack. Now before you start listing your Oscar night “thank you’s”, once again that ain’t saying much. Being the best actor in a film like Two Headed Shark Attack is like being the sweetest smelling turd in Don Vito’s toilet.
|Brooke Hogan epic boobs|
So final judgment time, should you bother seeing it. If you find yourself bored shitless and you already have Netflix, or can catch it on cable then why not? If you have been drinking or maybe had a little smoke it might even be half way enjoyable. Don’t by any means pay for this or Quint will track you down and kill you. Hell I wouldn’t even watch it on SyFy, because then you miss the nipples. Not that the nipples are that big a selling point, but boobs is boobs as the Reverend Desmond Tutu liked to say. Basically unless you are a fan of shark flicks, no matter how bad, swim far and fast away from Two Headed Shark Attack.