The Horror of Porn

Sasha Grey has my heart in her hands in Smash Cut

So I recently wrote two reviews of horror films starring porn actresses, Smash Cut with Sasha Grey and Bloodlust Zombies with Alexis Texas.  Porn stars seem to gravitate to horror movies when they move into the mainstream, and it seems to be happening more and more frequently.  However it’s not a exclusively new situation, as adult actresses have been venturing into horror since the 70s at least.  Still it seems to be happening with more frequency so I thought a list of those porn actresses (and actors) who have made a leap, although sometimes temporary leap, into horror was in order.

Marilyn Chambers

The late adult actress Marilyn Chambers was one of the first porn stars to appear in a horror film in 1977’s Rabid.  Rabid was directed by the master of body horror Davis Cronenberg.  Chambers plays a woman who is seriously injured in a motorcycle accident and undergoes a radical new treatment to save her life.  After the treatment she grows an orifice under her armpit that hides a bloodsucking stinger.  Those she bites become rabid zombies that further spread the infection.

Cannibal Holocaust

Robert Kerman

The next porn star foray into horror was in 1980 in Cannibal Holocaust.  Cannibal Holocaust is one of the most notorious and controversial films of all time. Most horror fans know the story, the torture and killing of animals onscreen and the face that Italian director Ruggero Deodato was arrested for allegedly murdering his actors on film.  What not a lot of fans know is that Robert Kerman, one of the film’s stars had also appeared in over 100 adult films, including Debbie Does Dallas.  Cannibal Holocaust has become a cult classic, and one of the few horror films to feature a known male porn star.

The most successful porn actor to make the jump is easily Traci Lords.  While more a sci fi than horror film her role in 1988’s remake of Not of This World launched her mainstream career, which included several horror and sci fi appearances.  These included TV appearances in Tales from the Crypt and Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers.  While Traci has found success in mainstream film, she will be always be remembered for the fact that she was underage during most of her porn career, and only one of her adult films is legal to own in the United States.

Traci Lords in a bikini

Jeff Stryker

In 1989 Italian horror is again the vehicle for an American porn star, and once again it is a male actor.  Porn star Jeff Stryker starred in the Italian zombie film After Death, alternatively titled Zombie 4, or Zombie Flesh eaters.  Whatever it’s called, it’s pretty much a stinker, but it did well financially, perhaps much of that due to Stryker’s casting.

Also in 1989 was the release of Things with a small role for porn star Amber Lynn.  Honestly I haven’t seen things, but it’s on my list.  It’s regarded as a “so bad it’s good movie” and supposedly revolves around a woman given birth to a brood of ant like creatures.

Things the movie

Veronica Hart in Bloodsucking Pharohs in Pittsburg

In 1991 porn star Veronica Hart starred in Bloodsucking Pharaohs in Pittsburgh, which has to be one of the greatest movie titles in horror history.  It’s another I haven’t personally seen yet, but it has to be a “so bad it’s good” film, after all a credited director is the great Alan Smithee, nom de plume of every director too embarrassed to out his name on his work.  With that title you really don’t need too much of a synopsis, it’s pretty self-explanatory and, the title alone, and possibly Veronica Hart should convince you whether you want to see the film or not.

Evil Breed poster with Jenna Jameson

Chasey Lain from Evil Breed

Now we fast forward just over ten years to 2003 and Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain.   The cover art and top billing for this gory horror film features Jenna Jameson, one of the hottest porn stars in recent years.  Unfortunately that doesn’t mean she has much onscreen time.  She does get naked, very naked in the unrated version, and her death scene does have one of the funnier moments of the film.  Still I had hopes that Jenna would be a major player in the film and bring her sizzle into horror films full force.  For the porn fan this film probably has the greatest collection of porn starlets outside of the AVNs.  In the movie alongside Jenna Jameson are Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, and Taylor Hayes.  Evil Breed also stars Richard Greico, whose acting would make a porn star groan (and not in a good way.)  There’s little good about this film beyond the boobs, and you can see those on the internet for free, even the film’s director has denounced it.  It’s worse crime is promising much more of Jenna than it delivers.

Ginger Lynn Allen

2005 was a good year, especially if you like the porn horror combo, and aren’t horribly concerned about the quality of the film, or looks of the porn stars. Not only did Ginger Lynn return for a small part in The Devil’s Rejects, looking beautiful I might add, but another male porn star debuted in horror.  This time it is none other than the Hedgehog himself, Ron Jeremy playing the title character in Andre the Butcher. Ron plays an insane killer back from the dead to recruit nubile over sexed teens into Satan’s army by killing them.  It’s actually a fairly fun movie, played mostly straight but with a bit if silliness and jokes at Ron’s expense.  Andre the Butcher was the first American horror film to feature a male adult film actor.  Ron Jeremy would return to horror in 2008 with the film One Eyed Monster, in which is penis is possessed by an evil alien force.  Seriously

Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund in Zombie Strippers

In 2008 we get what we were promised in 2003 with Evil Breed, a horror movie featuring Jenna Jameson as a major character in Zombie Strippers.  Jenna stars alongside horror icon Robert Englund as the most popular dancer at a strip club infested with the living dead.  It’s more comedy than horror, but the zombie element does qualify it for this category.  Zombie Strippers pretty much delivers on all of it’s promises, nudity, gore and more nudity.  There isn’t a lot of acting but really a movie like this doesn’t require acting, just a willingness to get naked and covered in gore. Englund hams it up because he knows he has it good.  Hey who wouldn’t want to be in this movie other than the nut jobs at the Westboro “church?”

Glamorous Sasha Grey

The next year director Lee Demarble brought us Smash Cut with porn phenom Sasha Grey and cult icon David Hess.  The movie is bad, in a gloriously good way, although a lot of people won’t get that it’s bad on purpose.  The film is homage to cult films especially those of H.G. Lewis.  Sadly it was Davis Hess’s last finished project and the horror community will miss him dearly, a lot of critics have hammered Sasha’s acting, but horrible acting is what was called for.  If you don’t believe me check out some of those wonderful HGL movies like Blood Feast, or the film this closely resembles Gore, Gore, Girls.  If you don’t think she can act better than she did in Smash Cut, just check out one of her pornos, or Entourage. Pervs be warned Sasha doesn’t get naked in Smash Cut.

Piranha 3-D poster

In 2010 Alexander Aja remade the cult classic Piranha, with Piranha 3-D.  The movie was a big budget summer fun fest and full of naked and semi naked women.  While the major roles didn’t feature any porn stars, the movie would not have been the same without one.  Adult actress Riley Steele had a small, but very memorable role as one of the spring break “Girls Gone Wild” knock offs.  Her underwater naked make out with British actress Kelly Brook got the audience just as wet as the Piranha.

Sexy Riley Steele of Piranha

Alexis Texas from Bloodlust Zombies

The latest, at least at the time of my writing, is 2011’s Bloodlust Zombies with Alexis Texas. The biggest problem I had with Bloodlust Zombies was it couldn’t make up its mind whether it was going to be a serious film or a comedy.  My favorite part was Alexis Texas’s tits. We do get to see them a couple times.  There were some truly funny moments in Bloodlust Zombies and the film would have been better to play to these.  The serious moments, even when well-acted just didn’t work

So that’s it, probably not a wholly compete list but I think we covered most of the horror films with major contributions from adult entertainers.  There are many more I am sure with bit pieces, and porn stars used as dancers, extras etc, but all of the above at least had credited speaking roles.  Until next time, spank you very much for reading.

One Eyed Monster with Ron Jeremy

Bloodlust Zombies-Alexis Texas gives head(shots)

Alexis Texas in Bloodlust Zombies

Bloodlust Zombies is another of those horror films that feature a porn star in the vein of Smash Cut and Evil Breed.  Bloodlust Zombies features porn star Alexis Texas as the zombie killing personal assistant Andrea.  Unlike Sasha Grey in Smash Cut and to some degree Jenna Jameson in Evil Breed, Alexis has not retired from porn.  Bloodlust Zombies thus seems to be more of a side project than a launching pad to a new career.

The story basically revolves around an outbreak at a biological weapons lab. An escaped cat that has been infected with a “rage” type virus infects the workers and the building goes on lockdown.  The trapped employees including porn star Alexis Texas must fight the zombies, and each other to survive and escape

Bloodlust Zombies has the lowest budget of the three, or at least that’s the way it looks.  However for a movie it is a very clean film.  No graininess, blur, shoddy sound or obvious fake props.  The people in charge of making this film look good did a good job.  Special effects are mostly of the practical variety.  CGI, if used was few and far between, so much that a day after watching it, I can’t recall any obvious computer effects.  The practical effects aren’t that awesome, but the effects crew seems to realize their limitations and we don’t have any attempts at those spectacular effects that either look good or like shit.  No rotting corpses, decapitations, but mostly just small wounds and blood covered victims and “zombies.”

There aren’t any Oscar worthy acting performances but most of the cast do a decent enough job  Of the cast of course Alexis Texas will receive the most attention.  She’s mostly in the film for eye candy, which she is effective as.  Her acting is kind of scatter shot.  At times she seems to really have some acting potential beyond the adult world, at others you really hope someone is directing her to overact.

Bare bottom Alexis Texas

Alexis Texas adds her assets to Bloodlust Zombies

That’s probably the biggest problem with Bloodlust Zombies, inconsistency.  It doesn’t seem to know if it wants to make fun of itself or be a serious film.  There are some great funny scenes, and then there are some absolutely horrible preachy scenes.  For the most part it seems to be not taking it self seriously, to know it’s just a cheap vehicle for Alexis Texas, a dollar rental if you will.  That’s usually a good thing, but honestly it’s getting a bit overplayed, especially when so many low budget film makers are managing to pull off a serious film of decent quality.

Sexy Alexis Texas of Bloodlust Zombies

 Fans are beginning to expect more, regardless of the budget.  Even tongue in cheek, we are expecting quality.  Compare this to Smash Cut, which purposely made a bad film as homage to H.G. Lewis.  There’s no homage here, just a cheap film with a few laughs and some nudity.

Alexis Texas Busts out in Bloodlust Zombies

So Bloodlust Zombies isn’t a movie to avoid, but it’s not a movie to rush out and grab either.  Zombie completest and fans of Alexis Texas might  find it a must have, but these are closer to the Resident Evil infected than Romero and you can see much more of Alexis on a Google search than in the film.  Still she has a couple of very nice topless scenes, and if you want to check her out without going to the bad side of the internet this is a good chance.  Everyone else put it in your Netflix queue for a slow night.

Sexy Santa Alexis Texas rewards those who read to the end

A Small Taste of Vinegar

A Small Taste of Vinegar

It’s better to spit it out

So I have a blog.  Did you know that? If you are reading this you probably do.  That beats most of my friends.  OK maybe that’s not fair, they know, but caring that’s another matter.  I have over 500 Facebook friends.  That’s probably about average now.  I actually know a lot of them, but not all.  Several people I know have deleted me for various reasons.  I’m sure a lot don’t like my politics, my religious beliefs, the fact I curse occasionally or maybe because I don’t accept their game invites.  It’s cool, if the best thing you can do with a powerful medium like Facebook is play Mafia Wars or post bible quotes we have little in common.

The thing is I do try and support my friends.  I oooohhh and ahhhh over their baby pictures, I used to accept their gamer invites till I got overwhelmed and realized how annoying those invites can be, but most of all I share their projects.  I’ll be honest, I don’t watch every video, read every online article, but I do try and share at least a couple of things from all my friends unless I am opposed to what they are sharing.

 Now if I actually like the article, I may share it often, read it and comment.  However even if I don’t I try and share it.  The closer the friend, the more I share.  More and more I have noticed that is a one way street though.  I share other people’s projects probably at a ratio of 50:1 or worse.  Contests, film projects, photos, blogs, articles, whatever I try to share because I have always thought you support your friends.   Even if they are a shitty writer you support them. Shocking then that out of 500 friends, probably 5 have ever shared my blog, or my photography page, and honestly one or two have ever shared a standalone article I have written.  I know hitting that share button takes a lot of fucking time.

Now while the most part, I write for my own enjoyment, it’s always nice when what you write is read.  The written word was meant to be read after all.  My most popular blog post has been read by over 30000 people and has not been shared once by any of my friends.  Not once.  Kind of makes me feel all warm inside.  At least I know I’m not being vain when I said I accomplished that without help.

So sit back and mutter about how ungrateful I am, about how much you love and support me.  Sit back while I share your page day, after day.  While I send traffic to your pages, like your contest pics, give you back links, and fetch your slippers.  Tell me why I shouldn’t be bitter? Tell me why I should ever click on one of your links or share anything of yours?  Maybe I just don’t spam enough, or I’m not good enough to warrant your attention.  Forgive me, but it’s just a little taste of vinegar

Smash Cut: Farewell to David Hess, Hello Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey in Smash Cut

Smash Cut

Smash Cut is former porn star Sasha Grey’s first venture into the world of horror film.  In fact that’s one of the reasons I avoided it when it first came out.  Other than Traci Lord few porn stars have really made the leap from adult to mainstream entertainment.  Ginger Lynn Allen has had some success but mostly in small roles, but Jenna Jameson’s jump into horror in the horrible Evil Breed (which also featured Ginger Lynn) was what stuck in my mind whenever I saw Smash Cut on the video shelves.

However I kept hearing good things about Smash Cut.  Sasha’s other endeavors, such as her role on entourage, and her volunteering to read to school children, and resulting controversy, made me see her in a better light as well.  Thus I went in search of Smash Cut.  Unfortunately it was gone from the video shelves.  I finally knuckled under and order a copy on Blue Ray.  It was definitely not what I was expecting.

Sexy Sasha Grey

Smash Cut also stars the late David Hess, which any cult horror fan worth his salt will immediately recognize as the evil Krug from Last House on the Left.  I am really sad I never got to meet David before he passed. Smash Cut was the perfect film for him, because he harkened back to a style of filmmaking that’s no longer around.  In fact it’s nothing less than homage to the glory days of Hershel Gordon Lewis.  While there is a huge stylistic difference between Craven who directed Hess in Last House and Lewis, both films were grindhouse splatter favorites.  A lot of the criticism of Smash Cut comes from those who have no clue about HG Lewis, and have never seen one of his films.

The acting in Smash Cut is almost universally bad, so bad in fact that it has to be bad on purpose.  The characters are almost carbon copy of Lewis and the dialogue made me think I was watching “Gore Gore Girls again.”  The same with the effects, they are totally unbelievable, and have been shocked to see people attacking the special effects and then bringing up Lewis as an example of better filmmaking. Drop your nostalgia and watch one of HG Lewis films again and tell me how great the effects and acting are.  Not to say that Lee Demarbre is as good (or as bad) as Lewis but he effectively channels and pays respect to him.

Jesse Buck could be a dead ringer in attitude and personality from the intrepid investigator Abraham () from Gore Gore Girls.  He gives off that same vibe, and you are never really sure whose side he is on.  His acting is probably closer to good acting than anyone else in the film, but it’s still bad as it should be.

Sexy nurse Sasha Grey

Sasha Grey’s acting was laughably horrible.  So horrible that her acting was wonderful, the blank stares, the painful pauses, the ridiculous lines she delivers so flat and deadpan.  Ever her slightly off cue screams were all marvelous.  Now I have seen Sasha act, both in Entourage, and in porn and I know she can act better than in Smash Cut.  It was either a brave move or a brilliant move making this near spoof her first mainstream film.  Brave in that many will assume this was her doing her best, or brilliant in that she can deflect any criticism to “acting bad on purpose.”  Personally I think it takes talent to act that bad and Sasha has talent.

Despite all the attention to Sasha Grey, you can’t talk about Smash Cut without mentioning David Hess.  Real horror fans were dealt a harsh blow when David passed, all too soon last year.  He began, and made his career with a cult film, so it’s fitting that one of his last films is homage to cult films.  Like the rest of the cast David’s performance will be criticized by those who don’t “get” Smash Cut and that’s very sad.  David delivered the performance the film needed.  Watching him in Smash Cut is pure joy, only tempered by the fact that he is now gone.  He will be missed by those who knew him and respected his work.

Cult legend David Hess

Visually Smash Cut is a 70s film but with better technical quality.  The colors are all intense and garish , with no muted tones.  Everything is out there, watching Smash Cut is like walking into a strip joint on retro night. Either that or imagine a bomb going off in a day glow paints factory.

I read an online review where someone decried the music of Smash Cut as 70s porno music.  The reviewer is right, but really what other music would fit. Watching and listening to this film was like being back in my giddy high school years and sneaking a forbidden VHS into the recorder while my parents were asleep.

The only thing missing was nudity, but I’m not going to tweak it for that.  The film is actually better without nudity (bet you NEVER thought you’d see me type that didya?) Anyone who has never saw Sasha Grey naked probably doesn’t want to, and if they do all it takes is a Google of her name with “safe search” off. 

Keeping her clothes on was probably a calculated, wise move to distance her a bit more from her porn past.  It also harkens to those older films where there was more tease than tit.  Sure HGL loved to show some nudity, but for the most parts those films promised way more than they actually show.  C’mon who didn’t expect to see Sasha at least topless?  I did till I was roughly half way through.  What got me was that seeing the lovely Ms. Grey in a white sweater, sans bra, was so titillating despite all of her I have seen in the past.  And yes, I have seen all of her.

The effects while gory are so unbelievable that only the faintest of heart will be disturbed.  More than likely you will find yourself laughing at the death scenes unless you really do some suspension of disbelief.  Like the rest of the movie you will either get it and enjoy it or hate it, and probably turn it off.

So final verdict? If you are a fan of Sasha Grey, and I mean real fan not just a fan of her sex games, you should enjoy it.  If you are a real fan just get past the bad acting and lack of nudity and support Sasha.  Fans of David Hess should likewise enjoy Smash Cut. His fans will also be more likely to “get” the film.  Fans of HG Lewis and the gory cult days should also enjoy.  Some may balk at the shoddy effects and weak plot, but most will get that it’s part of the charm of this film. All this and you get Michael Berryman in a jewfro wig to boot!

People looking for a film that makes sense and has great acting should avoid it.  Most of them simply won’t get the charm of Smash Cut.  Sasha Grey’s fans from her porn days will probably be disappointed, some even angry.  Tough shit, get over it, people move on in their careers and lives, let’s give Sasha a chance to shine in real films.  So if you can deal with a film that has bad acting, horrible plot, bad effects and 70s porn music then pop in Smash Cut.  If you are looking for the next Silence of the Lambs, keep looking, nothing to see here.  All this and you get Michael Berryman in a Jewfro wig to boot!

PS I loved it and for those who read to the end

Sexy hot Sasha Grey

Ten Foreign Films That Shame American Horror.

Ten Foreign Films That Shame American Horror. 

Ok I may come off as a film prude from time to time, but I think most people would agree mainstream American cinema is filled with lightweight fluff.  Horror seems to have suffered more than any, and I, like many horror fans, have turned more and more to foreign films.  I don’t claim to be an expert on foreign film, or film in general, but I know what I like, and can recognize a good movie. So here’s my top ten list (of 11 films) that really outshine the American horror film.

1.       Martyrs- Hailing from France, Martyrs is one of the most brutal films you will ever see.  The film moves along at a hectic pace, and the few times it slows down just gives you time to let what happened sink in.  The final few minutes are an exercise in depravity that is just hard to watch.  One of the scariest things about Martyrs is that it doesn’t follow the rules.  There’s no safety, no hope, no hero, and if the last scene is to true, no peace even in death.

2.       REC- This is what a zombie film should be like, OK maybe they really aren’t zombies, but possessed people, still REC has everything a good horror fan wants. A beautiful heroine in Manuela Velasco, a group of survivors fighting for their lives, and ravenous blood crazed, flesh ripping zom, er well whatever they are.  If you liked the American remake Quarantine, check this far superior original versiontied

And

 Rec 2- Sequel to the Spanish Horror movie of the same name, REC2 loses very little of the originals magic.  Set in the same location as the original, literally hours after the original, Rec 2 deals with a group sent in to rescue the survivors.  Or were they?  Some fans complained about the films moving closer to a possession storyline, but in actuality it just helps further separate from the American “zombie” films.  While they aren’t zombies by the traditional standard, and they even run, horror fans didn’t seem to mind and are eagerly awaiting a third installment later this year.

3.       Ju-on- This is the film that started it all.  Back before scary Japanese kids were a cliché, this introduced America to the Japanese ghost story.  Maybe it wasn’t the first, but by way of its American remake, it was the first to become widely known in the states.  It spawned numerous sequels, which weren’t bad but didn’t seem to have the same magic as the original.  They weren’t helped by the saturation of the Asian market with spooky kid movies, and American remakes and spoofs.

4.       I Saw the Devil- You can argue that I Saw the Devil isn’t horror and, honestly might have a point if you only consider horror to be pertaining to the supernatural.  That however leaves out a lot of films normally considered horror.  While it isn’t supernatural, the brutality in this film matches or exceeds that found in a lot of American “torture porn.”  The fact that it has an intelligent story, excellent acting and brilliant direction shouldn’t exclude it from the horror genre.  If anything it just shows how accepting we have come to be of stupidity in horror.  The best film of 2011 is a must see and is far better than any American horror film released in recent years.

5.       R-Point- I described R-Point to a friend as a ghost story, but it’s really not in any traditional sense.  While ghosts are involved, it’s really hard to shoe horn it into the ghost story genre.  It’s more a movie about an evil place, and the evil deeds done there.  It’s a Korean film and those accustomed to creepy kids in their Asian horror might find this a welcome break from the norm, as the film focuses on a military unit during the Viet Nam war.

6.       Audition-Takashi Miike is known in America for his mostly extreme gore and violence in films like Ichi the Killer.  Audition doesn’t slack on the violence and gore but it’s still probably the most easily digested by the American audience.  Probably the most striking thing about Audition is its sudden 180 from sweet love story to violent horror. There are hints that all is not right, some subtle, some not so much, but the last half of the movie will still hit you like a sledge hammer to the head.

7.       A Tale of Two Sisters-Another Asian film subjected to an inferior American remake.  More of a psychological thriller than supernatural horror, the film keeps its audience from guessing what exactly is going on till near the end.  It is a haunting, evil spirits or just the horrors of a deranged mind.

8.       Thirst-Park Chan-wook followed his revenge trilogy with his take on the vampire mythos.  No sparkly emo teens, or desiccated corpse, his vampire is a fairly unique creature, more reminiscent of Christopher Lee than Bela.  Charming, sexy and brutal, this is probably one of the more erotic, and artful of recent mainstream vampire films.  Fans of the revenge trilogy, might be a bit disappointed but it stands out among recent vampire films

9.       Dream Home- If there is any film that competes with Martyrs in true brutality, and maybe even surpasses it, it’s Dream Home.  Not to be confused with the American film with a similar name, this is Asian gore at it’s realistic best.  The realism of this film and the fact that it could very well happen make it all the more disturbing.  Warning expectant parents might want to skip this one, even if you have seen the French Inside, you will be shocked by this film and one scene in particular.

10.   Let the Right One In- Possibly the best film on the list, it is also probably the less gory of the list.  It’s also one of the few (alongside REC) to have a semi-decent American remake.  At heart it’s as much a coming of age love story as a horror film.  It just happens the person coming of age is a bullied young boy, who befriends the vampire next door.

Special mention goes to A Serbian Film for going where no American film would ever go.  While it has some major flaws you can’t deny the power of it.  It is almost nonstop sexual and physical brutality, with a message.  It’s biggest flaw is the power overwhelms the message for the most part.

Of good and evil

We all get hung up on good and evil.  We like to think it’s all black and white and ignore the grey.  Unless that is, we are the one getting called evil.   Then we like to justify, modify, rectify, and simplify what we did, it wasn’t a lie, it was a while lie.  Sure I cheated, but my wife/gf takes me for granted.  Well I did call in sick for the ball game, but we were overstaffed, and I never call in.  With others though, it’s usually black and white, cut and dry, good and evil. 

Truth is though that’s seldom the case, life and all those living in it spend most of their time in the grey. There’s a little good and bad in all of us, with possibly a few exceptions, and who knows, maybe even those monsters and saints have a little taste for the other side.  Hitler slaughtered millions, but can we say there was never, ever any good in him? OK probably not, at least not nearly enough to balance the scales, or even tip them a little.  It seems like most of the saints do end up having secrets drug out.  Martin Luther King apparently had some infidelities, JFK most certainly did, and now even Mother Theresa’s name is being brought up in the Catholic child sex controversy.  Not that she was active in abusing but she may have turned a blind eye and urged leniency for some accused.  The fact that these people, thought great inspiring leaders, have sins dug up after they die, really goes toward proving the point of this exercise. 

It’s like Mark Anthony said by way of London Willie, “The evil that men do live after them, while the good is oft interred with their bones.”  Even though we say don’t speak ill of the dead, we often do.  True there are those who have their evil or at least questionable past colored over by an untimely death.  Michael Jackson’s pedophilia accusations all disappeared when he died, not totally, but where only a short time before his death he was a joke, afterwards he was again the King of Pop. That’s the exception that pretty much proves the rule though.  Everyone knows Hitler killed millions of people, no one knows if he loved his mother.  Charlie Manson’s crimes overshadow any good in his life, even though he never personally killed anyone as far as we know.  Probably most of the people who know his name, don’t know that he basically directed others to kill, but kept his hands clean.  Was he evil, probably, but did he have any good? We’ll never know and really even broaching that subject will make people look at you strange.  He’s the boogie man, that’s all we need to know.

What about me, and you for that matter? Are we good? Are we evil? Are we a little of both.  I have struggled with myself, am I good or evil.  I have friends who think I am a really good guy, but I also know they don’t know everything about me.  My thoughts, even some of my actions that might make them hate, or even fear me.  I have told people there is a monster inside me that I fight to control, and I don’t always win.  Does the fact the monster exists, make me evil, or does my fight to control that base side make me good?  Like most things, like most people, probably it is a little of both.

So I think I will take Mark’s speech to heart. When I die I want my friends to list all that was good about me. Then I want that tattooed on my body.  I want the good interred with my bones.  An illustrated corpse to prove I had worth, that I was never totally bad.  Maybe that script could be my coin for Charon, to pay my way across the Styx. My pound of flesh to satisfy whatever God might care.  Or maybe, in the end, like so many deeds, both good and bad, it would be ultimately meaningless.

Peace

Two Headed Shark Attack aka Hungy, Hungy Hippos the Movie

Two Heads? Genius

So in a fit of cinematic boredom I found this little gem on Netflix. Now I use the word gem very lightly in the case of Two Headed Shark Attack. In fact it’s more of a nugget, like a nugget of corn in a well formed bowel movement. OK maybe that’s a bit harsh, but it sounded funny.  Certainly in the new subgenre of shark/mutated fish movies cranked out by the genius machine at the SeeFee channel it’s not the very worse.  It’s not the best either, and really considered the genre is pretty shallow that is saying a lot.

Honestly, there’s not a lot in Two Headed Shark Attack worth recommending in this film.  When the most skilled actor in the cast is most famous for being the real life brother of the fat kid from Stand By Me, well it says a lot.  The most star power is wielded by the still beautiful Carmen Electra.

 Carmen is still extremely hot, but she’s not the same Carmen she was five years ago.  Not only that but she appears to slowly be turning orange.  She’s still hot though and was cast against type as the doctor, a doctor who lies around in a bikini inexplicably writhing sensually when no one else is around.  Still I have never complained about a sexy bikini clad girl writhing for no reason, even if the bikini girl is the color of a tangerine, and she has a bit of a belly pooch.  Carmen’s dialogue and her delivery of it is nothing short of ridiculous.  I know she can act better, I have seen it.  Maybe the director told her to deliver her lines flat and emotionless.

Still I can’t hate on Carmen too much with Charlie O’Donnel’s acting in this film.  Charlie, whose brother stole John Stamos’s wife, was even more brain grinding to hear “act”.  Seriously, dude, your acting was better on Sliders.  Jerry’s penis acted better on Piranha 3-D.  Also if you have a compound fracture of your leg, which I assume you were supposed to have, you can’t walk on it, even if you wince and go “ahh” with each step.  I’ll blame that on the director, I blame you for taking the part.

While neither of these actors is in danger of winning a lifetime achievement award for acting anytime soon, both have, and can, do better.  I can only assume that a paycheck and the promise of a fun campy film drew them in.  So what else to hate Two Headed Shark Attack, yes there is more.

The shark itself was pretty laughable.  While in long shots the CGI held up ok, especially for a movie of this type.  Up close the model looked as fake as fake can be. I don’t know if it was Styrofoam, plastic, or fiberglass but it definitely wasn’t flesh. Why two heads in the first place? I can only assume total lack of ideas and the directive “find something new” from their SyFy overlords?

“Let’s make a shark movie.” 

“Boss said they already done too many shark movies.”

“Let’s give the shark two heads.”

“Brilliant!!”

Bruce he aint, 2 heads or not

 Did I mention the shark looked stupid up close? Well that’s nothing compared to the scenes of it feeding.  At one point the shark grabs a woman’s leg, bites it swings her around and lets her go.  Not only was the letting go stupid and not like a shark, there was no blood.  Eventually both heads grab her and rip her apart but by then I was already shaking my fist in righteous anger.  Now to the actual kill scenes, since when did sharks start chewing and munching?  Sharks tear, rip, and swallow like a rough date not chew like redneck on a corn cob.  Seriously watching the close-ups of the shark smacking its mouth it reminded me of the old game Hungry, Hungry Hippos.  All I could think of was “quick, throw a marble and swim for your life!”  Bruce would hang his head in shame if he ever watched this two headed “shark” in action.

The behavior of the cast was ludicrous at best.  Something kills a whale and attacks your ship.  Let’s go skinny dipping.  Shark attacks your perfectly good boat, jump in the water for safety.  Need a fuse, use a wet shirt “It’s the best we have” sorry jack ass, it’s still soaking wet and your ass deep in water. Late in the film as the island sinks the survivors stand waist deep in water, lamenting that there is nowhere to go for safety.  Meanwhile in the background, no more than 10 feet away is doh, the island.  Meanwhile the shark is apparently getting a mani/petti because he never comes near until they have their wet fuse bomb ready.

Put two girls together like these two in Two Headed Shark Attack and they will make out

 So why did I set through this?  Was it for the prospect of writing a shitty  review of Two Headed Shark Attack? Maybe a little bit, but there were a few high (relatively speaking) points.  There was the skinny dipping. Which I dunno, I thought skinny sipping required nudity. True the girls do get topless, which was nice, even though both girls were woefully underfed. Don’t get me wrong they were cute and all but not cute enough to drive me to IMDB to find out who they were. However for two girls to get topless while a goofily looking male just stands there in his swim trunks and grins is really hard to buy.  Of course, two topless girls, two headed shark.  Guess what’s about to happen? Yep.  This was probably the selling point of the whole film.There were lots more bad stuff I could mention about the film, but really, it’s not worth going into it.

  So on to the good things about the film.  All in all Two Headed Shark Attack had two things going for it, Brooke Hogan’s tits.  Say what you want about her face, I think she’s cute and not really that manly looking.  Plus her boobs, while not as big as her father’s tits are much nicer to look at and less hairy.  The saddest part of the movie was that she kept her top on the whole film.  I pretty much expected it but a guy can hope right? Honestly the film would have had three things going for it, if she had worn a sexier bottom.  Seriously cut offs and boy shorts? Why not a thong or at least a French cut bottom to give us a little extra eye candy Brooke?  A little cheek would have definitely improved this movie.

Brooke Hogan two reasons to watch 2 Headed Shark Attack

I do have to give Brooke Hogan props though, and not just for her boobs.  Her acting was probably the most believable in Two Headed Shark Attack.  Now before you start listing your Oscar night “thank you’s”, once again that ain’t saying much.  Being the best actor in a film like Two Headed Shark Attack is like being the sweetest smelling turd in Don Vito’s toilet.

Brooke Hogan epic boobs

 So final judgment time, should you bother seeing it.  If you find yourself bored shitless and you already have Netflix, or can catch it on cable then why not?  If you have been drinking or maybe had a little smoke it might even be half way enjoyable.  Don’t by any means pay for this or Quint will track you down and kill you.  Hell I wouldn’t even watch it on SyFy, because then you miss the nipples.  Not that the nipples are that big a selling point, but boobs is boobs as the Reverend Desmond Tutu liked to say.  Basically unless you are a fan of shark flicks, no matter how bad, swim far and fast away from Two Headed Shark Attack.